‘Nationwide Enquirer’
“Is Biden Dying?” asks the quilt story.
Aren’t all of us?
However relatively than handle such an existential query, the ‘Enquirer’ guarantees to reveal the “stunning reality about Joe’s well being at age 80!”
Apparently the president is “ageing in a single day” – does not everybody? – and “dropping his marbles!”
The ‘Enquirer’ claims that Biden suffers from “progressive early-stage dementia, atrial fibrillation (AFib), degenerative spinal arthritis and stroke-causing stress!”
As if that is not sufficient to kill him, son Hunter Biden’s latest felony indictment apparently “boosts” the president’s “stroke hazard.”
“Rising numbers of Democrats and medical doctors worry the 80-year-old president will die earlier than the top of his first time period in 2025,” the tabloid studies, maybe with some slight statistical justification, and cites his mounting gaffes and journeys of each tongue and foot.
The ‘Enquirer’ even enlists a “longevity skilled” to watch that Biden has “considerably elevated wrinkling and lack of facial fats . . . indicators of superior getting older.”
Or maybe surviving every day is an indication of ageing?
“NASA Stonewalls On UFO Findings!”
America’s house company has issued a report dismissing a whole bunch of alleged Unidentified Anomalous Phenomena as having an Earthly origin, and never emanating from outer house.
The ‘Enquirer’ naturally calls the report “whitewashed” and “a part of an ongoing authorities conspiracy to cover the reality.”
“It is All About Me-ghan!”
The Duchess of Sussex is branded a “clotheshorse” who “flaunts $320G outfits at charity occasion.”
However the occasion was the six days of the Invictus Video games for wounded warriors in Germany, and most of that estimated trend invoice got here in jewelry, and never her clothes which got here from off-the-rack excessive avenue shops similar to J. Crew and Zara, as a lot as from high-end designers. Supposedly she dressed “to upstage her hubby” Prince Harry. The rag notes that trend critics branded Meghan “a dowdy dud for her lacklustre trend selections!” She simply cannot win.
“Katy Caught In Russell Rape Scandal”
The ‘Enquirer’ guarantees to disclose “What she is aware of!” however fails to supply any concept what that is perhaps. They merely speculate about “fears” that the ‘American Idol’ choose “knew about predator ex-hubby.” Or possibly she did not. The tabloid has no concept.
‘Globe’
“Divorce Hollywood Model!” declares the quilt, although there isn’t any obvious theme that unites the three damaged marriages the rag highlights. There isn’t any “fashion” in any respect; solely heartache.
Kevin Costner is said a “Winner!” for a divorce settlement by which he allegedly “cleans spouse’s clock!”
Following his latest felony conviction Danny Masterson is understandably branded a “Loser!” and a “rapist blindsided!” whereas Hugh Jackman can be dubbed a “Loser!” after ending his reportedly “sexless marriage!”
There isn’t any finish to the ‘Globe’ editors’ compassion, because the journal studies with tender imagery: “Kevin Scrapes Grasping Spouse Off His Shoe!”
Hugh Jackman’s “$180M fortune” is allegedly “on the road in stunning break up.”
And Danny Masterson’s spouse Bijou Phillips has filed for divorce, leaving the convicted rapist “within the lurch” – which could extra appropriately be the outline for a way he left his spouse.
“Russell Model Rocked By Rape Scandal. Katy Perry’s ex branded vile, degenerate predator.”
Versus an ethical, lovable predator?
“Harry & Meghan Put On Their Comfortable Faces!”
The royal couple could not presumably be glad, may they? Not on this tabloid. The duo allegedly selected to “reboot” their picture “with drastic beauty procedures.”
“Meghan’s brow is now easy,” studies the rag, and to show the purpose exhibits a latest photograph of her face at relaxation, after which a ‘earlier than’ image, by which she’s aggressively frowning. And images by no means lie.
Prince Harry is allegedly “embracing hair plugs to cowl embarrassing bald patches and getting a full set of pearly white $25,000 dental veneers to repair his once-crooked smile!”
The ‘earlier than” and ‘after’ photos of Harry’s smile look an identical.
‘Individuals’
Gwen Stefani is that this week’s cowl woman, speaking about “Love, Household & My New Chapter.”
Buying and selling in her glamorous fashion for cowboy boots and a down-home ranch in Oklahoma with nation singer husband of two years Blake Shelton, she found “a complete new world” exterior Los Angeles. Who knew that was on the market?
Arnold Schwarzenegger reveals: “I am a lot wiser now.” That is a aid.
Kerry Washington hawks her memoir by discussing “the key that turned my world the other way up” – she found 5 years in the past that she was conceived by a sperm donor, and the person she had referred to as “Dad” was not her organic father. Scandal?
‘Us Weekly’
Joe Jonas & Sophie Turner’s divorce battle dominates the entrance web page, with the magazine promising to disclose “The Actual Story – Why They Break up.’
In fact, Joe and Sophie reveal nothing – they are not speaking – however unnamed “insiders” declare that the pressures of the Jonas Brothers’ live performance tour, coupled with juggling Turner’s profession and motherhood to 2 younger ones made it “exhausting for them to settle into an everyday routine”.
Fortunately we’ve got the crack investigative workforce at ‘Us Weekly’ to inform us that Sabrina Carpenter wore it greatest (and permits us to really feel sorry for Priscilla Quintana who regarded fabulous however nonetheless solely garnered 7 per cent of the rag’s Instagram followers’ votes – the journal is now not randomly interviewing 100 individuals on New York streets for this common function, presumably as a result of an unscientific on-line ballot saves money and time), that Robin Thicke reveals how Meghan Markle used her calligraphic expertise to write down his 2006 wedding ceremony invites, and that the celebrities are similar to us: they go to the dentist, decide up their pets on the vet, and do voluntary work. How may we ever dwell with out this info?
‘In Contact’
Katy Perry, whose ex-husband Russell Model is going through rape and intercourse abuse allegations, is focused by the magazine’s entrance cowl this week, promising: “Katy Tells All – Russel Is A Monster.”
The rag claims it is going to reveal “The Stunning Fact About Their Marriage!”
However open up the journal and you will find it is all a bait-and-switch sham. Katy has revealed completely nothing, least of all to ‘In Contact.’
Greater than a decade in the past Perry instructed ‘Vogue’ journal concerning the trauma of her divorce from Model, saying: “I felt a number of duty for it ending, however then I discovered the true reality, which I am unable to essentially disclose as a result of I maintain it locked in my protected for a wet day.”
Ten years later, that is what ‘In Contact’ factors to because the “stunning reality,” despite the fact that they do not know what Perry meant by the remark, as a result of she’s not speaking to the rag, or anybody else for that matter.
‘Life & Model’
Taylor Swift attended a Kansas Metropolis Chiefs recreation apparently to cheer on Travis Kelce, and ‘Life & Model’ devotes its entrance web page to their “romantic first date,” declaring: “It is On!”
The NFL professional is allegedly “already telling associates she’s ‘The One.'”
Solely a cynic would counsel that she’s courting him simply to assemble new materials for her subsequent hit breakup music.
Onwards and downwards . . .