The acclaimed hip-hop group Outkast as soon as famously sang:
I do know you’d prefer to suppose your shit do not stank, however
Lean slightly bit nearer, see
Roses actually odor like boo-boo-ooh
However what for those who leaned slightly bit nearer…and located the falsely nostalgic olfactory sensation of a Pumpkin Spice Latte as an alternative?
That is the thought behind Dude Wipes’ DUMPkin Spice Moist Wipes, I assume. This firm sends me frequent PR missives about their “flushable” wipes which can be like different moist wipes, besides, ya know, for dudes. As they clarify on their web site:
2011: On the time 95% of our diets consisted of burritos and beer, so conversations about your newest dump had been plentiful. We began utilizing child wipes as an alternative of bathroom paper and our lives had been without end modified. However there was one downside: there have been no wipes for on-the-go deucing conditions! Sensing a rest room bowl sized gap out there, we based DUDE merchandise.
Okay, wonderful. Positive. Sometimes, I simply ignore these emails — however one among them lastly obtained by to me:
Pumpkin Spice season is right here, and we’re so excited to give you a one among a form PSL product that’s really not like another pumpkin spice product on the market. Meet DUMPkin Spice Wipes from DUDEwipes. These wipes are good for all of life’s messes, made with clove, nutmeg and different fall sh**.
To which, I naturally replied:
Okay, wonderful. I am unable to consider I am typing these phrases, however ship me the pumpkin spice ass wipes.
Just a few days later, three packs of Dumpkin Spice Butt Wipes confirmed up at my door. You could possibly virtually see the pungent chemical odor of synthetic “pumpkin spice” wafting by the field. However I opened them anyway, and certainly, tried to make use of them to wipe my very own butt.
The sickly candy stench of the Dumpkin Spice Moist Wipe was extra nauseating than something that has come out of me, not less than in the previous few weeks. Even perhaps worse is that, after wiping, my butt feels moist and damp whereas additionally reeking of synthetic pumpkin spice. I do not know who enjoys strolling round with that moist feeling between their cheeks; even once I’ve used a bidet, I nonetheless sometimes dry myself off afterward.
Actually the perfect factor I can say about these items is that the packaging has an express warning (on the again, in small print) that these aren’t advisable to be used in bogs which have a macerator pump or comparable setup. The bathroom at my home is beneath town’s fundamental line, so we’ve to have an ejector pump — which has certainly damaged from so-called “flushable” wipes up to now. Luckily, I had already assumed this might be the case, simply as it’s with most wipes that declare to be “flushable” or “biodegradable”—claims which can be technically true however do not precisely acknowledge the time required to biodegrade. Granted, the remainder of the massive print copy on the Dumpkin Wipes and the entire accompanying materials solely boasts concerning the flushable comfort, saying issues like, “Not like child wipes, DUDE Wipes start to interrupt down as soon as flushed, making them sewer-safe and septic-safe.”
That is bullshit, and no quantity of Pumpkin Spice fragrance will change that.
However hey, for those who’re morbidly curious or wanting to torture somebody, a 3-pack of Dumpkin Spice Moist Wipes will solely value you $15.